Modern Muslima | Women & Ramadan: Making it Special, Making it Spiritual

Ramadan for Women: Making it Special, Making it Spiritual

by Saraji Umm Zaid

Every year when Ramadan comes around, Muslims all over the world feel a sense of anticipation and spiritual awareness. This is the Month of the Qur'an, the month when the Shaytan is prevented from bothering us, the month where our deed (fasting) is for our Creator alone. We gather for the special tarawih prayer every evening, and look forward to 'Eid.

Sadly, there are many sisters approach Ramadan anticipating not spiritual growth, but fatigue and hard work. For so many Muslims, Ramadan has become about elaborate iftar dishes and dinner parties. Many of us stand on the line between generosity and hospitality and showing off for family, friends, and neighbors. How many of you spend your entire morning cleaning up after suhoor or last night's iftar, and then spend your entire afternoon cooking up that "special dish" your husband requested before he left for work that day? How many of you spend your evenings not in 'itikaf or at tarawih, but cleaning up after a dinner or preparing a special dessert? Or rush home from your job to cook for friends you just found out are coming over for iftar? How many of you live in communities where only the women are expected to produce massive amounts of food for masjid iftars, while the board makes little or no effort to host Qur'anic and other activities for you?

Ramadan was never meant to be about food. It's natural that human beings will want to focus on food after spending half of the day avoiding it, but our focus in Ramadan should be to pull ourselves away from these dunyawi desires and habits and achieve a higher level of awareness and living. Many Muslims are in danger of making Islam a part of their culture, something hauled out twice a year at Ramadan and Hajj. It's time for women to stand up and reclaim our religious duties, responsibilities, and rights, especially in Ramadan. We're the vanguard of Islam in "Masjid al Bait," and we need to take it seriously.

Cooking

Without a doubt, the increased pressure to cook every night is the number one factor in making a woman feel stressed out and depressed in Ramadan. In order to give yourself more free time for Qur'an and other things, as well as to change the focus of your entire family, there are a few things you need to do.

First, you need to plan your Ramadan. This can mean that you plan every menu for 29 or 30 days, or it might mean something a little more informal. You know what works best with your personality. If your husband expects some particularly complicated dish, then pick a day to cook it, preferably on the weekend (especially if you work). You might also restrict iftars with guests to the weekend, when both you and your husband (as well as your guests) will have more free time. For the rest of the time, try to keep your meals as simple and humble as possible. You can make many types of stews and soups in slow cookers that are not only simple and healthy, but save you time as well. Talk to your husband and family about not getting caught up in the "lots of meat, special meals, great desserts" mindset that many of us fall into. In Ramadan, we should be thinking of God, not stuffed grape leaves. We should be more aware of those who do not have food and who go hungry instead of obsessing about baklava.

You and your family may also want to plan to spend a few of your iftars at a halal restaurant, the masjid, or as guests. If you pick a date ahead of time, you'll know you have that day to relax and spend in reading Qur'an or other forms of 'ibada. Just because Muslims like to joke about our last minute way of doing things doesn't mean it's fardh upon us to be this way. There is nothing wrong with calling up your relatives or friends and inviting them to come to iftar on a particular day instead of following the traditional "Oh didn't I tell you I invited them for tonight" method.

When planning out your menus, one thing you might want to do is plan to cook double or even triple batches of a particular meal. This way, on day two (or three), you'll only have to heat the food up, instead of spending hours in the kitchen. Soups, stews, chilis, lasagnas, casseroles, and other dishes freeze very well. You can cook an extra meal serving, freeze it, and then serve it the next week or on a day when you're particularly rushed.

You can also cut corners when it comes to shopping and preparation. Wholesale clubs like Costco sell ready made fresh salads in bags or plastic bins, as well as bags of almost-ready-to-eat hearts of Romaine. You can buy crates of fruits and vegetables, cases of water, soda, and juice, as well as frozen, prepared fish dishes, and huge cans of soup or boxes of easy to make soup mixes. Many wholesale clubs also run kosher bakeries, where you can get kosher cakes and baked goodies. Using your planned menu, you can go to the wholesale club before Ramadan starts and get much of your Ramadan shopping done ahead of time.

With your husband and older children, you might also want to designate food preparation tasks or cooking nights. Pre-teens and teens can prepare simple dinners and make salads, and so can most husbands. With elementary, middle, and high school aged children, work out a task chart for them ahead of time (Aminah makes salads, Ahmed sets the table, and so on). You deserve a night or two off from the kitchen, and your family should be happy to assist you in this.

Sisters' Activities

If sisters are going to try and achieve a deeper sense of spiritual awareness in Ramadan, then we have to help each other. You may or may not be involved with your local masjid board, and they may or may not have a "women's concerns" committee. Approach the board or committee and try to set up activities other than cooking for the community, especially in the day time, for women. If the board or committee is not responsive, do it on your own. Call up your circle of friends and make your own Ramadan Sisterhood Circle. Figure out how often you can get together (daily or every other day?), set up a time and place(s), and stick to it. If sisters have to bring their kids, so be it. You can arrange to rotate babysitting responsibilities if necessary.

Some suggested activities for your Sisterhood Circle are:

Qur'an reading-- If you can't read it in Arabic, then read it in your native tongue or English (if you're a diverse group). Read the tafsir or discuss how that particular chapter or ayah has influenced you.
Seerah stories or reading the Shama'il-- One of the most effective ways to tenderize your heart is to read about the Beloved (aleyhi salatu wa salaam)
Stories from Islamic history and biographies-- Inspire one another by reading about famous incidents and people in our history, especially the battle of Badr.
Cooking - for Sadaqa-- It would be really nice if sisters could get together to cook or volunteer at the local food pantry or soup kitchen. Another idea is to set aside a day to cook an iftar -- and advertise it in your town as a meal for low-income and needy people. You'll need the approval and assistance of your masjid board to do this, but what better way for all of us to serve Him in Ramadan than by serving others?
Reading from works of spiritual masters-- Pick an easy to read yet informative book on the topic of softening the heart and purifying the soul, such as Imam al Haddad's Book of Assistance.
Dhikr-- Is there a better activity than praising the One Who Created you?

The Tarawih Predicament

For many sisters, attending tarawih prayers is either impossible or unpleasant. In many masajid, there are no babysitting services offered for children, who end up running around and roughhousing during the prayer -- in the women's area. Other times, sisters don't feel secure enough with what babysitting services are offered to leave their small children. So many sisters with children, especially young ones, end up praying at home alone.

Now, this is not necessarily a bad thing. Making tarawih at home alone (or in the company of your children, that is) can be a spiritual boon for you if you approach it with the right attitude. For example, you may be more comfortable at home, or less likely to be distracted. Without the temptation and tendency to talk that many of us fall into at masjid tarawih sessions, you may find yourself more focused on the point of all this -- your Creator.

On the other hand, many sisters thrive on community interaction, and will find themselves resentful or sad when praying tarawih at home alone. Perhaps you need to hear someone reciting the Qur'an, or you lack the discipline to complete the 20 rakat on your own at home. In the masjid, there are no televisions, computers, and telephones to distract you from the task at hand -- prayer.

Once again, this is an instance where your Sisterhood Circle could come in handy. If you can't work within the masjid to establish regular and safe babysitting services, then do it on your own with your friends. Rotate babysitting responsibilities amongst one another. You might even get together in your homes and pray tarawih individually in the same room. Perhaps just knowing that other sisters are beside you making twenty rakat will be an encouragement to you.

If you're a mother with children who can't attend the tarawih, you should also talk to your husband. Is it possible for him to stay with the children so you can attend tarawih? If one of the children is older, can he take on the responsibility of keeping the child with him in the men's area, so that you have one less thing to worry about? Can he stay home and lead you in tarawih prayer?

When You're Alone or On Your Own

Some of you are not married, or do not live near a masjid, or both. You may have no Muslim family or friends nearby to be with you in Ramadan. It may be that your husband must work long hours everyday, and that you are home by yourself or with small children most of the time. Ramadan is tough for anyone who has to spend it alone, man or woman. Still, there are things you can do, and trying to change your perspective is one of them.

Throughout our history, people who have wanted to achieve a spiritual awakening have gone into retreat, leaving behind friends, business, and contact with others for a period of time. Although you might still work or attend school, you can try to view your Ramadan as a personal retreat. Make a daily schedule for yourself and set aside particular days or blocks of time for Qur'an reading, tarawih, reading, dhikr, and other activities. Set aside Islamic lecture CDs, tapes, and DVDs for a particular day and listen to them as if you were a student sitting in the class. Keep a Ramadan Journal and record your observations, feelings, and thoughts for that particular day, as well as observations and insights into the Qur'anic portion you read. Decorate your house, apartment, or room if it makes you feel better.

If you crave human contact, there are many Islamic Yahoo! groups and discussion boards where you can engage with other Muslimeen. It's true that traffic tends to be low in Ramadan, but there's almost always another sister out there listening when you need her. At the same time, you might want to take advantage of the spirit of the month by fasting from other things as well. Many people give up music, television, and movies during this time. You might want to give up internet and e-mail, reading non Islamic books and magazines, or reading the news.

I'tikaf

I'tikaf is spiritual retreat. Many of us know that some men do i'tikaf in the last ten days of Ramadan, but how many of us know that women can do i'tikaf at home, even when one is needed to care for the children and run the house? What you need to do is designate a particular area of your home as your place of worship, your musalla. When you have free time or don't have to go to work, you go to your musalla and engage in 'ibada. That means salat, tarawih, dhikr, reading the Qur'an, making du'a, and so on. While you are in i'tikaf you should avoid answering the phone, checking e-mail, or talking to others. You can leave the i'tikaf when you need to and return to it when you're ready. This spiritual retreat is valid and encouraged in months outside of Ramadan as well. Establish the masjid in your home. Doing i'tikaf in Ramadan and beyond will not only benefit you, it will benefit your husband and children and everyone else who enters your home as well.

Journaling and Self-Evaluation

Go get a notebook. It can be a plain nineteen cent spiral bound from the grocery store or an expensive leather bound one. This is your Ramadan Journal. SoundVision.com has a few articles in their Ramadan section to help you set goals for Ramadan, and evaluate your growth when it's over. I recommend you print these out and staple them into your Ramadan Journal. Really think about what your goals are, and what you've achieved over the last year. Where did you fall short? Where did you exceed your expectations? Avoid this year's mistakes next year by noting how you could have managed your time better. Write about your activities and experiences with your Ramadan Sister Circle and your i'tikaf.

Ramadan Mubarak

At the end of the day, all any good Muslim wants for another Muslim is for him or her to draw nearer to the Creator. Let your husband and / or community know that you haven't been getting the same benefits from Ramadan, and that you need and want their help to change that. Whether you're a Muslim alone, a mother with small children, or a working woman, open the lines of communication with the support network that is your husband and community. Reach out to other sisters in the same situation, and pledge to help one another hold fast to His Rope. We're all in this together.