A Western Muslim's Guide to Hijrah

Part VI: Al Muhajirat, the Women Who Make Hijrah

There are, generally speaking, three types of muhajirat:

a. Those married to men who are from the country they move to.
b. Those married to men who are not from the country they move to.
c. Single women (divorcees, widows, never married).

Each type of muhajira has her own challenges.

The most obvious thing that you will find when you move to the Muslim lands are much more conservative mores and laws when it concerns women and family. This can affect both single women and women married to locals more than it affects women married to men not from the host country. Women married to locals are subject to local laws regarding marriage, divorce, custody, travel, inheritance, and so forth. Your children are, for the most part, considered citizens of their father’s country. You yourself may be expected to become a citizen. In many cases, it may be easier on you to do so, for legal and economic reasons.

Meanwhile, single women may feel suffocated by local social mores that dictate women’s movement and dress. There is a great deal of emphasis placed on sexual honor in Muslim lands (Alhamdulillah) that has, unfortunately, often led to unfair, even bizarre ideas about women’s movement and behavior (but not men’s, snort). In more conservative places, a woman living alone may be viewed by others suspiciously. Both men and women may believe that you are engaging in immoral activities. All women coming from the West need to be aware of local ideas and customs regarding women’s clothing, behavior, and movement in public, but single women may feel more pressure than married women. If you believe that local customs are repressive or unfair, then you seriously need to consider if you want to live there. Unfortunately, if your husband is a native, you may not have a choice. In that case, grin and bear it, my dear.

If your husband is a native of the land you are moving to, you already have your own guide to what is expected. Grill him on what life is like for his mother and sisters back home before you go. Then, go find some women from his country and talk to them. Find some fellow Western wives and talk to them. Sometimes, men can be completely oblivious to women’s lives, especially the hardships they try to hide. This is true all over the globe, and it may be true of your darling, charming, loving husband. A personal word of warning on talking to Western wives. Often times, “Western Wives of…” groups include many divorcees who have axes to grind. Speaking from past experiences, these groups radiate negativity. This may be especially true if the wives / ex-wives are not Muslims, I’m sorry to say.

It is generally accepted as anecdotally true that many Western / Eastern marriages end in divorce, or that they’re, on the whole, very rocky ones. I don’t know if this is statistically true or not, but I do know that in each inter-cultural marriage, there are many differences you have to negotiate. Some are more trying than others. This may be even more trying if you’re doing it in a land where you don’t speak the language, but he does; where your mom doesn’t live, but his does. On the other hand, some Muslim couples find that things move much smoother when they move back to the Muslim country he was raised in. Each marriage and each woman is different.

If you are in an inter-cultural marriage, and you move to his country for the sake of your children’s diyn or your own, and your situation is shaky at best (or even if it is not), you would do well to learn what his country’s laws on divorce, custody, and women’s travel are. We all know stories from friends or sisters in our community of women who went on hijrah with a husband they had problems with, only to find themselves living with a co-wife, or summarily divorced and separated from their children, or subject to treatment that is legal there but gauche in the US. I knew a brother once who was looking for a wife. I knew this guy for years. This guy was very “liberal,” Westernized, and so forth. He was humorous and seemed kind. Then one day, he mentioned that he fully believes in full veiling for women (but track suits for men!) and that he believes in locking the woman in the house while he is gone so “she doesn’t get in trouble.” He mentioned that his brother in law did this with his sister in a particularly conservative country (where he is not from). (Need I mention that I stopped participating in the wife search right then and there?)

Sisters, in some Muslim countries this is acceptable behavior. In some countries, this might be considered extreme by many, but it is still acceptable and legal. In some countries / cultures, it is acceptable, to one extent or another, for a man to hit his wife. If you think that moving back to a Muslim country where he can be away from the “pressures of the West” is going to change a man who already hits you, I can tell you right now that it will not. Can you live that way? Some women may like this extreme measure of feeling like a “pearl in its shell.” Other women might say, “Um, and what if the house catches on fire or I have a heart attack while I’m locked in?” Others might find the whole idea plainly unIslamic and misogynistic.

Generally speaking, you might find yourself expected to modify some of the behaviors that were acceptable in the US or wherever. You might find yourself thinking, “But this is not Islam, this is culture.” Well, yeah, but so what? You went to that country, now you gotta do like the Romans do. In other cases, you might find that not much has changed, except for certain expectations of you as a hostess or guest.

Sometimes, the expected change might be in your clothing. At home, you didn’t cover. Now you have to wear a scarf. At home, you wore Western clothes. Now your husband tells you you need to wear abaya or jilbab. At home, your face was uncovered. Now your husband tells you that gloves and a face veil are expected of you. You need to know this stuff before you go overseas, so that you can be psychologically prepared. Will you be expected to work outside the home, or is that frowned upon? Will your in-laws make a fuss if your husband serves tea or serves himself? Will the neighbors’ tongue wag if you go to the store alone? All of this is stuff you need to know.

Now, a “secret” among some muhajiraat is that they feel they were not given a choice about making hijrah. This is among sisters with “native” husbands and sisters married to Western brothers too. “I came here to keep peace in the family,” says one. “I did it because I didn’t want to make this the make or break issue of my marriage,” says another. If a sister followed her husband on hijrah unwillingly, feelings of anger and resentment can grow within her heart and mind. It can cause a sister to slack in her marriage and her Islam.

If you find yourself in this situation, I advise you to evaluate your intention. Your intention was to please your husband. This is perfectly acceptable. Your modern liberated Western nafs may not like this but there are two ahadith (among many) that go something like this:

“If a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month (of Ramadan), obeys her husband and guards her chastity, then it will be said to her: `Enter Paradise by whichever of its gates you wish.’” (Ahmad)

Umm Salamah (May Allah be pleased with her) said: “The Messenger of Allah (aleyhi salatu wa salaam) said: `Any woman who dies, and her husband is pleased with her, will enter Paradise.’” (ibn Majah, Hakim)

In a similarly worded hadith, it says she will be told to enter Paradise from whichever of its gates she chooses.

This is no small matter, sisters. We’re talking about Paradise here. We’re talking eternity. If you “made hijrah” to please your husband, because he thought it was the best thing for him, your children, and you, you have done something that is, insha’Allah, pleasing to Allah. Not only that, but you have subdued your nafs in favor of something it does not like. It’s character building.

I want you to take it from me. If you go to the Muslim world and constantly nag your husband all the time about missing your mother and hating the land you’re in, I can tell you that his buddies are going to remind him that it’s legal in Muslim countries to take a second wife. I know that this goes on with brothers who are fed up with the constant complaining of their wives. It doesn’t mean he’s going to do it, but where is the pleasure of Allah in your constantly harassing him? What will it do to the man you love, your children, and yourself if you push him to the point of considering a second wife (esp. when it's something he never considered before) just so he can get some peace away from you?

Just as we look to our men to support us emotionally, mentally, financially, and physically, so too do they look to us for support. You may say that the man is the head of the family, but as the funny movie quote goes, the wife is the neck. A man who takes his family to the other side of the world, where unemployment is high, where there are political pressures or troubles, where he doesn’t speak the language, where he’s trying his best to make a go of it needs a spouse who is going to support him spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, not one who is going to make him feel like a failure of a man. Don’t ever think that there aren’t times that he subdues his nafs and controls his tongue to support you in something you want to do that he dislikes or thinks is dumb or whatever the case may be.

We all have our imtihan, our tests. Everyone has different ones. For some women, making hijrah when they really didn’t want to is a test. (For that matter, the enthusiastic muhajirah may find that it is a test). So give yourself a day to stomp and pout and curl up in bed and stare at the wall. But move on; it’s not like he’s going to forget that you prefer to be back in the West because you aren’t reminding him of this a thousand times a day. Don’t let go of your sense of humor. You can turn your reluctance to make hijrah into a loving joke - if you do it the right way (ie, not like a harridan).

Ask yourself why Allah has Willed this for you and then find the benefits. The diyn. The society. The friends you make. The family time you enjoy. There is something in it that is good for you in some way, insha’Allah. Even in the restrictive mores and laws, even if you have a bad experience, there will be something beneficial. You will learn something about yourself. You will be grateful for what you had back home, things you took for granted; you’ll gain an understanding of other cultures and other ways of being Muslim, even if you don’t agree with them.

Part VII: Schooling and Other Important Issues

© 2007 S. Umm Zaid, ModernMuslima.com